Elevator Etiquette

Let’s face it, we all have times that we want to be alone and not face others.  However, if you are going to take the elevator, you are opening up yourself to a world of possibilities whether you like it or not.

There are five floors in my apartment building and I’m on the fifth, so I face the music daily.  Today, I got up early to clean my place up and start laundry.  My hair looked like it lost all gravitational pull and my attire consisted of black/pink Nike shoes, black/gray plaid pajama pants, and a blue Adidas hoodie--I looked just darling.

Looking as lovely as I did, I decided to take the garbage downstairs to the bins in the parking garage.  I thought to myself, no one will be up this early.  I was wrong.  I was in the elevator by myself until it stopped on the 4th floor.  After, swearing under my breath and rolling my eyes, a cute boy entered the elevator.  Of course.  However, despite looking like I rolled out of bed and into whatever clothes were on my floor, the boy spoke to me, asked me how my morning was.  I told him my morning was good so far, I was cleaning and doing laundry, hence my appearance--I got a laugh out of him and a cute smile.  What was thought to be a dreadful experience turned out to be memorable.

For those of you that have been in my building, you know how long and narrow my hallway is.  For those of you that haven’t, picture the hallway in “The Shining” with the two little girls in blue dresses standing at the end of it--my apartment is right behind the two little girls.  The laundry room and elevator is at the opposite end of the hallway.  Therefore, the walk toward the laundry room can be a long one, and today, I found out it could be mistaken for something else.

Carrying two quarters and a dryer sheet in my hand, I slowly descended down the hallway when a “neighbor” left her apartment and headed for the elevator.  She saw me out of the corner of her eye.  I saw her push the button to go down (there is no up).  Within ten-seconds, she glanced at me again and decided to take the steps instead. Now, either she was REALLY in a hurry or she thought I was on my way to the elevator too.  Well bitch, too bad you didn’t wait three seconds to see me turn into the laundry room--could’ve saved yourself five flights of stairs.

There you have it people--two completely different sides of the elevator spectrum.  Please allow me to give some advice, because I’ve seen and experienced a lot since living in this building. 

1. Hold the elevator door open if you see someone approaching it.
2. If you are scared and do not want to ride the elevator with me (or anyone), do not let the elevator SLOWLY close while I’m walking towards it, at least have the courtesy to rapidly hit the “close door” button.
3. If we are riding together, do not face the wall and pretend I’m not there--that doesn’t work anymore, you are not a cat.  Just say hi, or I will.
4. Please don’t fart.

Camels Have it Good.

I haven't made a blog entry in quite some time, but something very important has been brought to my attention.  Could it be the:  Government shut down?  Debt ceiling?  Market crash?  Furloughs? Twerking?  No, no, no, no and no, I want to talk about Hump Day. 

A school in Connecticut is considering a ban on the phrase "Hump Day."  See the link below:

http://www.wtvy.com/news/morningshow/headlines/Connecticut-Middle-School-Wants-to-Ban-ITS-HUMP-DAY-Saying-226271111.html

The hilarious Geico commercial with the camel saying, "Mike, mike, mike, mike, mike, mike!  What DAY is it?  Hump DaaaaaAAAAY!"  The thirty second blip of pure joy goes on to say that no one is as happy as a camel on hump day.  Puts a smile on my face every time I see it, the witty commercial has gone viral and kids are impersonating, repeating the phrase "Hump Day."  The problem being, that children are saying "Hump Day" too often and they are saying it....wait for it...wait for it....on days that are NOT Hump Day.  Blasphemy!  What has this world come to?  Ban the phrase "Hump Day!"  I will be damned if another child in the school says hump again.

First of all, bravo to Geico for making one of the best commercials ever.  Secondly, is hump the worst four letter word a kid could say?  Do the kids know the sexual connotations behind the word hump?  The birds and the bees?  Or do they just think the commercial is as funny as a non-stop fart?  Is it annoying having children yell out "hump DAY" all day, every day?  Probably, but I'm all for it, because it's funny shit.  However, proper precautionary or reactionary steps can be taken.

To reassure yourself, make sure your child understands why a camel's favorite day is Hump Day.  Perhaps you should take your child to a zoo to see live camels.  Interview the camels, have them explain the meaning of Hump Day and the meaning of Miley Cyrus.

Worried that your child is unknowingly referring to S-E-X?  Use your best Al Pacino voice and tell them, "Sex is when two people love each other and one sticks the pee pee in the hoo-HAH!"

Wednesday has always been known as that significant day in the week that gets you that much closer to the weekend.  Unless of course you work weekends, then any day could be your Hump Day.  Aha!  There IS justification for calling any day Hump Day, because it's subjective.  Damn, those kids are smart.

I'm glad a commercial is causing such controversy, it's not like there is any thing else important going on in the world or country.  Perhaps, we should put a bunch of camels in congress to lighten the mood a bit.  Maybe make Hump Day a Hallmark holiday.  Maybe change the saying to, "I can't wait hump this day to get to the next."  What?  Hump Day sounds better?

Trick or Treat

When I was a kid, rain or shine I went trick or treating, nothing would stop me from getting candy.  However, my timid demeanor set me aside from the other children.  I never demanded to have a certain amount, or kind of candy.  I was never like the little hellions that I had to deal with this past weekend.

Now, I will preface this by saying that not ALL of the children were bad, but after three straight hours of handy out candy to hundreds of kids, I wanted to take a long walk off of a short cliff.  Also, I will not disclose the location of my treat giving extravaganza in order to protect the innocent, even though most of these kids checked their innocence at the door. 

In between ambushes children, there were a few kids that made the day worth while.  First, I'll start with the Vampire.  Costume complete with black pants, shirt and a red cape, the young boy was anything but scary.  Then he started to engage in conversation.  Vampire boy said, "people keep on stepping on my cape and choking me."  I replied, "Oh...that sucks (pun intended), here have some candy."  He said thanks and walked towards the front door while shouting, "I'm going to MURDER the next person that steps on my cape."  Although his costume fell short of anything frightening, his words made up for it.  He scared the crap out of me.

My second encounter was with a very distressed Princess.  While picking out her candy she decided to tell me how her day was going, "I am NOT having a good day."  I said, "Oh, why not?"  She said, "my socks are wet and my bag is wet."  I said, "Aw, I'm sorry.  Here have some candy."  While I felt bad for the Princess, I couldn't help but wonder why she was wet--it wasn't raining.

I've saved the best trick or treat exchange for last.  I have no idea what this girl was dressed up as, so for the purpose of this written nonsense, I will call her Betsy.  Until Betsy, children simply said thank you and walked away.  After giving Betsy a piece of candy, she slowly walked backwards while giving me the look of death.  Betsy continued starring at me while passing the hurd of children to get back to her comfort zone.  After reaching the warm embrace of her mother, Betsy looked back at me with a look of disappointment.  I was completely at a loss and ran through everything in my head, see child, give child candy, how could I mess up something so simple?  I finally got my answer when I overheard Betsy whine to her Mom, "I got money...I wanted candy!"  Her Mom chuckled and said, "no honey, that's not real money, that's chocolate in a gold wrapper."  Face palm.  I guess I learned the hard way that chocolate coins should be handed out with disclaimers.

It was those experiences that  really made the day worth while and almost made me forget about the kids that pondered over their choice of candy while there was a line of 20 behind them.  I most definitely forgot about the kids that grabbed for candy by the handful, when I told them to pick two.  Also, as a side note, if you are taller than me and old enough to hit on me--you shouldn't be trick or treating.

Coffee Maker

I have never been so indecisive in my life.  I can't pick what's behind door number one, because I am wondering what's behind door number three.  I ponder heavily over whether or not I should write a poem or design a new art piece.  These are not life or death decisions, but I treat them as such.  I have what I like to call "Creative ADD."  If there is ever an award given out to someone that often thinks, but doesn't do--I will gladly accept.  As of right now, I am distracted by the kid outside screaming "she wants to look at his weiner!"  But I digress.  Should I win the "Think, But Doesn't Do" award, I have prepared a speech:

First of all, I'd like to thank Hulu, Netflix, and Amazon for making this possible.  I don't know where I'd be without the instant access to television I don't need to watch and items I don't need to buy.  I'd like to thank God for my iPhone without which I wouldn't be able to check Twitter and Facebook as often as I blink.  Social networking, you have shortened my attention span to 140 characters or less.   When I agree with someone's opinion, I picture a "like" button above their head.  If someone says something quotable, I imagine hash tagging it. #crazybuttrue

I'd also like to give a big shout out to the shadows on the wall, my cat, and the homeless guy with tourettes for attributing to my minimal accomplishments.  Last, but not least, I'd like to thank my racing thoughts and the marathon they will never run.

This week, my "Creative ADD" lead me to the purchase of a coffee maker on Amazon.  When I was supposed to be working on my Grandmother's memoir, I was distracted by the sudden thought of java and how I'd like a nice coffee maker.

If accomplishments could be purchased Amazon, I'd be in a meeting with Johnny Depp discussing the epicness of my novel and how he'd love to play the lead role in the movie adaptation of "Ginger."  Then we'd talk about how "epicness" isn't really a word, but we should make it one. 

I suppose I will get back to writing my novel, creating masterpieces, setting and not meeting goals in three days...after my coffee maker arrives.