Elevator Etiquette

Let’s face it, we all have times that we want to be alone and not face others.  However, if you are going to take the elevator, you are opening up yourself to a world of possibilities whether you like it or not.

There are five floors in my apartment building and I’m on the fifth, so I face the music daily.  Today, I got up early to clean my place up and start laundry.  My hair looked like it lost all gravitational pull and my attire consisted of black/pink Nike shoes, black/gray plaid pajama pants, and a blue Adidas hoodie--I looked just darling.

Looking as lovely as I did, I decided to take the garbage downstairs to the bins in the parking garage.  I thought to myself, no one will be up this early.  I was wrong.  I was in the elevator by myself until it stopped on the 4th floor.  After, swearing under my breath and rolling my eyes, a cute boy entered the elevator.  Of course.  However, despite looking like I rolled out of bed and into whatever clothes were on my floor, the boy spoke to me, asked me how my morning was.  I told him my morning was good so far, I was cleaning and doing laundry, hence my appearance--I got a laugh out of him and a cute smile.  What was thought to be a dreadful experience turned out to be memorable.

For those of you that have been in my building, you know how long and narrow my hallway is.  For those of you that haven’t, picture the hallway in “The Shining” with the two little girls in blue dresses standing at the end of it--my apartment is right behind the two little girls.  The laundry room and elevator is at the opposite end of the hallway.  Therefore, the walk toward the laundry room can be a long one, and today, I found out it could be mistaken for something else.

Carrying two quarters and a dryer sheet in my hand, I slowly descended down the hallway when a “neighbor” left her apartment and headed for the elevator.  She saw me out of the corner of her eye.  I saw her push the button to go down (there is no up).  Within ten-seconds, she glanced at me again and decided to take the steps instead. Now, either she was REALLY in a hurry or she thought I was on my way to the elevator too.  Well bitch, too bad you didn’t wait three seconds to see me turn into the laundry room--could’ve saved yourself five flights of stairs.

There you have it people--two completely different sides of the elevator spectrum.  Please allow me to give some advice, because I’ve seen and experienced a lot since living in this building. 

1. Hold the elevator door open if you see someone approaching it.
2. If you are scared and do not want to ride the elevator with me (or anyone), do not let the elevator SLOWLY close while I’m walking towards it, at least have the courtesy to rapidly hit the “close door” button.
3. If we are riding together, do not face the wall and pretend I’m not there--that doesn’t work anymore, you are not a cat.  Just say hi, or I will.
4. Please don’t fart.

Camels Have it Good.

I haven't made a blog entry in quite some time, but something very important has been brought to my attention.  Could it be the:  Government shut down?  Debt ceiling?  Market crash?  Furloughs? Twerking?  No, no, no, no and no, I want to talk about Hump Day. 

A school in Connecticut is considering a ban on the phrase "Hump Day."  See the link below:

http://www.wtvy.com/news/morningshow/headlines/Connecticut-Middle-School-Wants-to-Ban-ITS-HUMP-DAY-Saying-226271111.html

The hilarious Geico commercial with the camel saying, "Mike, mike, mike, mike, mike, mike!  What DAY is it?  Hump DaaaaaAAAAY!"  The thirty second blip of pure joy goes on to say that no one is as happy as a camel on hump day.  Puts a smile on my face every time I see it, the witty commercial has gone viral and kids are impersonating, repeating the phrase "Hump Day."  The problem being, that children are saying "Hump Day" too often and they are saying it....wait for it...wait for it....on days that are NOT Hump Day.  Blasphemy!  What has this world come to?  Ban the phrase "Hump Day!"  I will be damned if another child in the school says hump again.

First of all, bravo to Geico for making one of the best commercials ever.  Secondly, is hump the worst four letter word a kid could say?  Do the kids know the sexual connotations behind the word hump?  The birds and the bees?  Or do they just think the commercial is as funny as a non-stop fart?  Is it annoying having children yell out "hump DAY" all day, every day?  Probably, but I'm all for it, because it's funny shit.  However, proper precautionary or reactionary steps can be taken.

To reassure yourself, make sure your child understands why a camel's favorite day is Hump Day.  Perhaps you should take your child to a zoo to see live camels.  Interview the camels, have them explain the meaning of Hump Day and the meaning of Miley Cyrus.

Worried that your child is unknowingly referring to S-E-X?  Use your best Al Pacino voice and tell them, "Sex is when two people love each other and one sticks the pee pee in the hoo-HAH!"

Wednesday has always been known as that significant day in the week that gets you that much closer to the weekend.  Unless of course you work weekends, then any day could be your Hump Day.  Aha!  There IS justification for calling any day Hump Day, because it's subjective.  Damn, those kids are smart.

I'm glad a commercial is causing such controversy, it's not like there is any thing else important going on in the world or country.  Perhaps, we should put a bunch of camels in congress to lighten the mood a bit.  Maybe make Hump Day a Hallmark holiday.  Maybe change the saying to, "I can't wait hump this day to get to the next."  What?  Hump Day sounds better?